Mental health fuck up

Trigger warning. Talk of suicidal thoughts and a past plan in some detail. Also mention of self harm. 

My mental health has gone to shit but I’m hiding it so well that everyone thinks I’m fine and that’s scary. 

I’ve lived for years with this constant battle going on inside my head, for years I told no one. Eventually I started to open up to a few people and decided to reach out and get help from my doctor. 

Things seemed to be going okay. I mean, I still felt like shit day in day out but I was on medication. I was functioning. Everything seemed okay despite me feeling as though I was falling apart and as though I was at rock bottom. Little did I know I wasn’t. 

This past week or so I’ve felt so bad. 

I’ve carried on with my life as normal, ive gone to uni quite a bit. I’ve tried to be social. I’ve smiled around people and I’ve held it together. Yes, I’ve had a few blips here and there where I have self harmed and my eating has been shit to say the least (living off one chocolate bar a day most days) 

Until yesterday. 

I don’t know what happened. I was fine and then I wasn’t. 

Yesterday feels like a bit of a blur to me, so much happened in such a short space of time. I was at my dads, I went back to uni, I went out with some friends and then I fell apart.

It was about 1AM this morning and I don’t know what happened. All I remember is feeling low. Really really low. I just couldn’t cope. I didn’t know how to cope. I didn’t want to carry on. I wanted to die. 

For me, the idea of dying has never really scared me. I’ve welcomed the idea with open arms. I’ve always said I would never actively kill myself, but if a car was to drive at me at high speed, I don’t think I would step out the way. Death doesn’t scare me. The thing I’m scared of is how it would affect my family and in my eyes, that’s the reason I would never actually do anything to end my own life. I love my family too much to hurt them in that way. 

Until last night. I lay in bed and I realised there was 3 bottles of bleech downstairs. I began imagining myself drinking it. Holding my nose to try and mask the taste a little and just downing it. 

It scared me. I hadn’t had thoughts like that for nearly 5 years. I’d forgotten what it felt like to have real, genuine suicidal thoughts. I mean in the past 5 years I thought I was suicidal a few times but looking back I wasn’t. Not compared to last night. 

I knew I couldn’t do it though. I had to fight the thoughts. The urges. The inner voice telling me to do it. That the world didn’t need me. That my family would be better off without me. 

I was scared. So scared I actively reached out for help. I went online and googled as fast as I could. What to do if you want to kill yourself?

A list of websites appeared before my eyes, every time I clicked on them the opening hours read 9AM-10PM. What use was that? It was 1AM. I kept searching frantically, page after page after page. They all said the same. Closed now. Come back tomorrow. 

I accepted defeat. It was time to speak to the Samaritans. 

Now I don’t do phone calls, it isn’t something I posses the ability to do. So I decided to email. 

I began the email with “I don’t really know what to say or what to do. I just need help”

For me that was scary. I was asking for help. Me, the person who never asks for help. I knew in that moment it was serious but I also knew that by seeking out help, it meant I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted an escape

So I typed and I typed for what felt like forever. I typed everything I could. All the thoughts I was thinking went into this email and I sat there for about 10 minutes hovering over the send button. 

I closed my eyes and pressed send. 

I’d done it. I’d asked for help. I’d reached the lowest point I’ve felt for years and I did it. I didn’t hurt myself. I didn’t kill myself. I helped myself. 

I don’t know what happened last night. Nor do I know how I managed to build up the courage to ask for help in that situation but I did and I’m so proud of myself for doing that. I don’t know how or why I did but what’s important is I did.

This morning I woke up and I went to uni, I attended my lectures and all my classes and I even stayed late to meet a friend after her class finished. I acted as though nothing had happened the night before. 

No one knows I hadn’t slept. No one knows I was ready to take my own life just a few hours earlier. No one knows the battle I had just overcome. 

Tonight I’m back in bed. I feel like shit again but no where near as bad as it was 24 hours ago. If I made it through last night. I can make it through tonight. 

Something convinced me to stay last night. I don’t know what but there was something. 

It’s made me realise I need to get my life back on track and I’m going to do everything I can to try and make this better. 

Social media 

I wish I lived in a world where social media didn’t exist. 

Social media has become a part of my everyday life. There’s no discussion there. I’ve had facebook since I can remember, Instagram and snapchat since they came out. Tumblr for years. 

I live in a world where we are programmed to wake up, check social media and then start our day. Where a few hours without social media and you feel as though you have missed out on something. Where no matter what you’re doing or who you are with there is this constant need to post about it online. 

Likes have become a value of your worth. 

Id love to just delete all social media and just live a life without it for a while but it isn’t something I can do. It’s too much of my every day life for it not to be there anymore. It’s like a drug. It’s an addiction. We crave likes on facebook or Instagram. We feel like we need to post about everything online. 

When we’re bored, when we have nothing to do, when we are waiting, when we are with friends, social media is something that’s just a part of everything and it’s annoying. I wish it had never been invented. I wish as a society we hadn’t become so dependant on it. 

I miss the times I used to ring my friends for hours on end to catch up. When I met up with them and we could talk for the full day about what we have been up to. Now it’s a case of “oh yeah I saw that on snapchat” conversation over. 

Social media is making us less and less social. You go for a meal and people have to snapchat it, you go to a concert and people spend the whole time on their phones recording it so they can “enjoy it later” why not enjoy it now? Why not live in the moment and embrace the experience? Why do people feel the need to post about it online… is it a need to show off? To prove something? 

I’m fed up of it all. I want my life back and I want to enjoy the experiences I have and I don’t want to be so dependant on my phone. 

So as of tonight, I’m deleting the facebook app on my phone. Then as time goes on I’ll delete each app slowly but surely. I’m tired of being a robot to social media. I want my life back. 

Anxiety 

Living a life with anxiety is like constantly being followed around by a voice. A voice that knows all of your insecurities, often insecurities you weren’t even aware you had and it uses them against you. It feels like it’s the loudest voice in the room, no matter how much you try and drown it out it’s always there.

Being out of control of your own mind, worries and thoughts are terrifying. It’s one of the scariest feelings in the world. Even more so when everything could be going perfectly fine, yet your mind tricks you into thinking everything is going wrong.

It makes you think “is something wrong with me?” You apologise for being crazy, irrational and a mess. It’s tiring, frustrating and the worst part is, it’s something you can not control. No matter how many times you try and tell yourself to calm down and everything is fine there’s always that feeling of “what if” in the back of your mind.

Your mind will convince itself that things are worse than they really are.

The worst part for me is the fact that not only do you not understand why you’re this way, but those that love you don’t understand either. No matter how many times you try and explain what’s wrong, nothing comes out.

I have one of those minds. I know what’s it like to not be able to explain what’s wrong, especially if nothing is really actually wrong.

I’ve always been hard on myself. I’ve always thought about the worst in every situation but never to this extent. 

People don’t understand the extent of what anxiety really is. They often jump to the conclusion that people who overthink everything or make up scenarios in their head are crazy. What they don’t understand is people with anxiety can not control it. 

Having anxiety doesn’t make us crazy and we certainly don’t need people telling us we are crazy.

Loving someone with anxiety can be difficult, that said, the worst thing you can do is give them a reason to worry. Remember that it is you vs. anxiety vs. them. The best thing you can do is just listen – or be there if someone can’t explain why they feel how they do.

You need to understand that sometimes, unfortunately, you may be the reason for an attack, despite not giving us a reason to have one. Don’t take it personally. Try and just be careful wit your words and the way in which you word things. Don’t accuse us of overreacting, don’t tell us to just calm down or to stop worrying, it isn’t that simple. Do you not think that if we could calm down or we could stop worrying, we would?

People attempt to understand what’s going on in my head, the reasons I worry about things that haven’t happened or why I let my thoughts make me so unhappy. The truth is, I don’t know.  I wish I had an answer, and someday, I hopefully I will.

One thing I have learnt is: do not lose yourself in your fear.

I try and remind myself every day, despite all the thoughts and worries running through my head, that I cannot let it control me. I try not to loose myself in my worries about things that may or may not happen because if I allowed it to, it would eat me alive and ruin my life.
It’s hard, no one says it’s going to be easy but you’ve made it so far on this long and tiresome journey. You have the strength within yourself to keep going and to succeed in beating this.

Uni grades

So last week I received an assignment back and I got 48/100. I was so upset. 

You need 40 to pass. I was 8 marks away from failing. 

I gave up. I didn’t see the point in uni. I didn’t see the point in trying. I didn’t want to carry on with my degree. I gave up all hope. 

My heart dropped to the floor, how could I get such a low grade? How did I not realise how poor it was? 

Depression. Anxiety. 

That’s how. My mental health took over my whole existence. I had no energy, no motivation, no reason to try hard. I couldn’t concentrate. I wrote anything just to get it finished as quickly as possible. I didn’t think about it. I didn’t try as hard as I could have done. 

In that moment, when I received my grade I just wanted to cry. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. It just felt like everything was going badly. 

It was one grade, I still passed. I didn’t fail it but in my head I was a failure. I hadn’t succeeded and I hadn’t achieved anything. 

I blamed myself for it all and I made it seem like it was the end of the world. 

Until today. 

Today I got another assignment back. Two marks off a first. I was 2 marks away from getting into the highest grade bracket. 

I’d done it. I had succeeded. I can do this. In the feedback he left this. It felt so good to read it. 


For people like me, people who struggle with their mental health, sometimes it’s difficult to not see the worst in every situation. When one thing goes wrong it feels like everything has gone wrong. You loose all belief in yourself. 

Today I proved to myself I’m not a failure and I can do it. 

Work update

Last night I emailed my general manager pointing out some facts about the meeting yesterday. 

Things like 

The lack of notes taken

The fact I do not have a sick note 

The fact I didn’t have a whiteness 

The fact my doctor would have signed me off is he didn’t see me as medically fit to work. 
Basically I pointed out that the way the meeting was conducted was incorrect
Long story cut short. I’m in work today!!!!

So so happy to be allowed back! 

Work

So today I drove from university to work for my shift. I had to talk to my manager regarding my anxiety which I was fine about. 

However, in this meeting I was told I’m unfit to work and that they are forcing an absence on me and in order to return to work, I must have a “fit to work” note from my doctor. 

So basically, I’m having 3 days pay, which accounts to £120 taken from me which as you can imagine isn’t what I need. Not only this, I feel fine. I feel better than I’ve felt in a long time. 

I want to work. I need to work

Logically thinking, if I take 3 days off I’ll sit in my room, on my own, thinking and overthinking. How is that going to help me? How is knowing that my colleagues are now short staffed going to help me? It isn’t. 

I’ve emailed my manager because I just want to work but I doubt she is going to allow it but I shall be awake in time for my shift in the morning and I’ll be outside waiting for management to arrive like I do every Sunday because I always arrive at work an hour early because I’m that keen! 

I just wish with all my heart she could see that I’m fine. That I’m good at my job and that I should be in work! 😩

Ramblings and confusion

So this blog post probably won’t make a lot of sense. I’ll admit that now. However, I really wanted to post to just get some things off my chest.

I’ve had such a bizarre few months, it started with the breakdown of my relationship. I was in a happy, loving relationship. Everything seemed to be going perfectly, we were 17 months in but it felt like we had been together forever. We went on holiday together, we did everything together. We couldn’t go a few hours without speaking because she was my best friend. My rock, my world.

It ended because she found someone else. For me, this was the hardest thing to deal with. For our whole relationship, she would talk about our future, our wedding, our family, our house, our lives. Then in the blink of an eye, it was all gone.

For me, this was the start of the snowball effect. Everything just went downhill from here. I tried to get on with my life and move on, but I love her. Still, to this day, 7 months on I still love her and knowing that she is no longer with me breaks my heart. She was my support, through all my mental health she was the one that helped. She was the one who got me up and kept me going. She would take me shopping, she would shower me on bad days, she would hold me when I was too upset to speak. When we broke up, all

She was my support, through all my mental health she was the one that helped. She was the one who got me up and kept me going. She would take me shopping, she would shower me on bad days, she would hold me when I was too upset to speak. When we broke up, all I wanted was her to help and support me but she was gone.

I thought I was doing quite well with it all, I continued to function and live my life, but in reality, looking back, I did what I always do and I didn’t deal with my emotions, I just buried my head in the sand and hoped for the best but as usual, that didn’t work.

So that brings us to now. My body is reacting to what happened. It’s gone into shut down mode. I can’t function, the smallest of thing makes me anxious. If a friend is too busy to meet up, my mind processes that as they don’t want to be around me because my ex didn’t.

It affecting me in all aspects of my life, I’m in shit at work, I’m failing uni, I’m not being social, I’m not eating properly, I’m not sleeping. I’m falling apart. 

This post isn’t for any other reason than for myself. I’ve made this post because I just needed to type what was going on in my head, in hope that I could begin to process it all and work to becoming a better me.