Update, life, mental health…

I’ve been inactive on this page for a few months, mainly because I forgot my log in details.

It’s been a very strange few month, my job at the call centre changed, I went from working on the phones to dealing with emails because my anxiety was playing up and I kept having panic attacks.

I’ve got to say, the managers were really supportive in helping me move teams.
I started to get really low when I was on the phones because I’ve never been great at answering calls, I don’t know why its just something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.

I thought everything was going well, until about a month or so ago when they told the email team colleagues we had to log into the phones every day. I was told I didn’t need to because they understood my situation, however, something changed and I got taken into a room and was told I either take the calls, or they were going to sack me.

This hit me hard. I love my job. I didn’t want to leave and I certainly didn’t want to get sacked.

I agreed to take the calls, and as a result, I’ve been quite ill recently.
The manager that gave me the ultimatum, I don’t talk to anymore, the other managers seem to be on my side and they seem to want to help and support me as much as they can.

My direct line manager has changed recently too, the new person who has taken over seems amazing. We had a 90-minute chat the other day about things, about life and about what is going to happen at work.
It was so nice to have someone I could talk to, a manager who seems to be a peoples manager, rather than a managers manager. By this I mean, he seems to want to help and support the staff, not suck up to his manager.

I’m part-time at my job now as University has started again. I’ve come back and I’m not sure if it was what I really wanted, but I feel as though its what was expected of me and because I’ve done two years already, it seemed silly to not finish what I had started.
I hate being part-time, I hate not being there for a week at a time, so much happens in a week and I return to work and I feel like I don’t know whats going on, I feel like I’ve missed out on important things.
In two weeks time, we are changing the systems we work on. I have had a day training on it, I have a few more training sessions coming up but when it goes live, everyone else will have the support there for a week or two, I’ll have it for 2-4 days… I’m going to be thrown in at the deep end and that scares me. I HATE asking for help, I HATE not knowing what I’m doing because I feel as though if I ask for help too much, people will get sick of me and will stop helping me.

I’m stressed out, I’m off my anti-depressants and I’m fed up. I haven’t eaten 3 proper meals a day in god knows how long. I was home this weekend as I was working and all I ate was a curry on Saturday night and a bagel on Monday…
I know I need to eat better, but I just don’t feel like eating at the moment.

My mind is a jumble of thoughts and feelings, I have so many things I want to post about and get off my chest but I don’t know when I will write them because I don’t really have the time.
Right now I am meant to be doing uni work but I’m not…



What do I do now…

This post is likely to be a mess. I just need to type. 

For the past 3 and a half years there’s been one person who has been consistent in my life. One person I’ve been able to rely on for absolutely anything. From cheering me up when I’ve been down, calming me during a panic attack, allowing me to be my true self, helping me when I’ve felt like giving up with uni to the simple things like teaching me to tie shoe laces or having banter with me. 

About 2 and a half years ago this person left his job in my home town and moved to a job 30 miles away. Only, the job he moved to was still a support worker job and it just so happened, about 6 months later I moved 30 miles away for uni and he was there waiting for me to be my support worker again. 

I trust him with my life. I’m not just saying that, I have literally trusted him with my life. I’ve been suicidal and I’ve told him and he’s been the one to help me and get me stable again. 

He’s the one person that knows me better than I know myself. I can feel like shit and he will know why, even if I don’t. 
I just feel so lost and so scared about what the future holds because although I don’t see him all the time, I know that if I ever need him, he would be there. Kind of like my safety blanket. But now he’s gone and he won’t be there anymore and that’s terrifying. 

I felt safe at uni, I felt like I could get my degree if I had him there to support me. I just, I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do anymore… 

Fed up 

I’m feeling completely fed up at the minute. 

It’s “summer” I should be put enjoying it, spending time with my friends and enjoying the next 3 months off but instead I’m working full time. Which is fine by me, I actually enjoy working… but my job only requires me to work 5 days a week. The 2 days off I get I should be using wisely and doing things, hanging out with friends, making memories. After all, I’m 20 now.. I turn 21 this year and then life really starts and I have to find my career and my own house and sort my life out. 

At 20 I should be having fun but instead I find myself sat in my room watching tv and scrolling social media to pass the time. I clock watch for bed time, I can’t wait for the weekend to be over so I can go back to work. 

I like working because it gives me something to do, something to focus on. It surrounds me with the people I work with. There’s always someone to talk to or something that needs doing. Even if it’s just talking to a customer on the phone about where their delivery is! 

The weekends just feel so dull, so empty, so meaningless. At weekends I realise how lonely I am. My colleagues go home to their families, their partners, their children. The younger colleagues go home at a weekend and go out and see their friends. I don’t. I go home to sit alone. 

I have friends at work but they’re just that. Friends at work. They aren’t interested in socialising outside of work, they have their own lives, they don’t want to mix their social lives and work lives and I understand that. 

All my uni friends are in a different city, all my school friends are busy with their new friends. All my other friends are busy with their lives and their families and their jobs. 
It’s times like these my anxiety and depression start to play up because I have nothing to focus on. I have nothing to do and I’m just left with my own thoughts and feelings and that’s when everything just seems so dark. It’s times like these I feel so fed up and down that I don’t want to go out and socialise because it seems so pointless but the reason I’m so fed up and down is because I’m not socialising.  It’s just a vicious cycle. 

Call centre customer service job 

I guess growing up I never thought I’d end up landing myself working in a call centre. It wasn’t on my “life plan” so to say. 

Retail, yes. Pointless part time jobs, yes. Working full time in a call centre over summer… not really my life ambitions. 

That said. I’ve been there for just over 2 weeks now and I don’t really have a bad thing to say about it. Everyone that works there is like a big family. You can’t go anywhere without someone saying hello or asking if you’re okay. 

My manager is amazing, to be honest, all the managers seem amazing. It’s also lovely working with such a diverse group of people! There appears to be no discrimination at work. We have people who are old, young, black, white, Asian, gay, straight. Literally all kinds of people and it’s amazing to see everyone getting along and working as a team. 

Yes, we do occasionally get customers who make us want to do this 

But I guess you get that at every job. 

For me it’s amazing to be 2 weeks into a job and not have a bad thing to say about the place or the people. I’m happy there and I enjoy going to work. I look forward to work the minute I finish a shift. It’s such a bizzare feeling for me but at the minute I am happy and I am enjoying it. 

Manchester attack. 

Manchester attack. 

It’s been 27 hours since a nail bomb went off in the foyer of the Manchester arena at the end of a pop concert with around 21,000 people inside. 

27 hours later and I’m still trying to process the events of the 22nd May. 

Manchester is my hometown. It’s where I’ve lived for my whole life. Even now whilst I’m at university I consider manchester my home. It’s a place I’ve always felt safe, I’ve always felt accepted and I’ve always felt part of a community. 

To even begin to process the fact that someone walked into the Manchester arena knowing they would be putting lives of thousands of young, innocent children in danger is an impossibility. 

I’m sure by now you will all have read the news, seen on social media or heard friends talking about the attack and something that has become abundantly clear is the fact that Manchester will forever stand united. It’s in our blood, when something so tragic happens we stand together and work as a community to rebuild our city and rebuild the safe community atmosphere we all know and love. 

Greater Manchester police have released the name of the attacker, something I’m not going to mention because I don’t believe he deserves to be recognised. He was a sick human being to do what he did. No religion advocates the killing of inncoent children and people who were out enjoying a pop concert. I don’t care what anyone says, no “God” would wish for His followers to do such a thing. 

We don’t yet know if he was working alone or as part of a group but I hope for the sake of my community he was alone. Enough innocent people have lost their lives or been injured. Enough is enough. This needs to end. I will never understand why people can’t just allow others to live their lives. Why do people feel the need to hate on others or cause pain to others? 

As I mentioned earlier, I’m still struggling to process what happened 27 hours ago. I had friends at that concert, Ronny knowledge they all got out safely and unharmed. That said, I live just outside the city centre in a smaller town and one of those who has died in the explosion came from my town. He was a dance teacher, I’ve seen him doing his weekly shop on numerous occasions. I’ve even been on a bus with him. I think this is when it hit me house close to home this attack was. 

I’m only 20, so for me, this is the first thing like this I can remember and it’s something I’m never going to forget. 

One thing I want to talk about is how well my city has dealt with this incident. 

Minutes after the attack hundreds of emergency services were onsite helping with casualties. Police officers were stood cordening off areas all night incase another explosion went off in the arena and working towards finding out who did this, some of these officers worked 20 hour shifts to help protect their community.  

Not only this, we had members of the public offering free taxi rides for those who couldn’t get home, people driving into town towards the explosion to help get people away and to safety. We had people looking after children who had been separated from their parents and keeping them safe, we had people opening their doors to complete strangers that needed somewhere to sleep for the night. Within half an hour of the explosion so many people from manchester came out to help and support their community and that just shows how amazing Manchester is as a city. It makes me so proud to say I’m from Manchester. To be a part of a community that sticks together when times get tough makes my heart warm. 

A terrorist attack may have happened in Manchester on the evening of May 22nd but one things for sure. The people from Manchester will always stand together and we will not be terrified. 

Ian Brady dies ages 79. 

I feel mixed feelings regarding this news. 

I’m glad he is dead don’t get me wrong. I hope he rots in hell for what he did. 

That said, I’m upset he has died because that means he now no longer has to suffer the consequences of what he did. For people like him, death is an escape. It’s a way out. I would have loved to see him live to be 100 just so he had to suffer for longer. 

I’m also upset for Keith Bennett’s family. Now Brady is dead, they will never know where Keith’s body is. I had hoped that in his dying days Brady would have shared this information to try and ease the pain of the family just a little. The fact he has taken it to the grave with him angers me so much. He knew he was going to die. He was imprisoned for life without the chance of being released. Sharing the information of where Keith’s body was wouldn’t have negatively affected him in the slightest. 

I understand he was a sick and twisted being. I just feel that he should have given that information to Keith’s family. 
I’m not sure. Like I said, I’m glad he is dead. I’m glad tax payers money is no longer being spent on him and that the doctors and nurses can put their efforts into more deserving people. I just wish he hadn’t died and eventually found it within himself to tell the whereabouts of Keith Bennetts body. 


Today I heard back from a part time job I really wanted. 

I didn’t get the job. 

I’m so dissapointed in myself. The job was for Apple. The company I invest 90% of my time into despite not even working there yet. 

I own an iPhone 6s (I’ve had them all since the 3GS) an ipad, MacBook Pro, iMac, Apple Watch, I convinced my entire family to go to iPhones, not including mine we have an extra 2 iPads, 2 MacBook pros, another iMac and another Apple Watch in the family. I’m a beta software tester for Apple (which basically means I get all the updates first and report back any bugs with the software so it can be improved for the main release. As a result of this I’ve lost all the data on my phone more times than I wish to recall!) 

I went to the first interview and felt like I smashed it. Turns out I did. Second interview came along and again, I felt like I’d done so well. I was wrong. 

I don’t know what went wrong, I don’t know what happened. I answered all the questions fully and what I believed to be perfectly. However, the interviewers clearly didn’t feel the same way. 

I guess I’m used to being rejected from jobs, it’s hard to get a job these days. I mean it was only last week I got turned down from a job because I “wasn’t flexible enough with my hours” it’s just so dissapointing to get turned down from a job that I have dreamed of having for so long. 

Apple is my life, for me, Apple is the way of life. It’s the only company to buy phones and computers from in my opinion. I love everything about the company. I even made my family take half a day out of our trip to NYC just so I could go and visit the Apple Store there. 

I’m so upset and dissapointed in myself and I know I have to pick myself up and just keep applying for jobs but I don’t want to anymore. If Apple don’t want me when my life revolves around Apple, how can I expect any other company to hire me?