Growth

I’ve had a lot of time to think recently, since submitting my dissertation I’ve had a lot more time to think about what’s gone on in my life over the last few years and I’ve realised I’ve grown as a person. Not just in the sense of I’m older. I feel like I’ve genuinely grown up.

As a trans individual that lost a parent at a young age who never really dealt with my grief I became a person that I’m not proud of.

I became angry, distant and not the person I truly am, not the person I was brought up to be.

I’d love to say my degree has helped me discover things about myself I wouldn’t have realised before but it hasn’t. Honestly, my degree has been kind of pointless. I haven’t really learnt anything new about the topic I’ve studied. I have however learnt a lot about me as a person.

I understand why I became the person I did. I lost a parent and went straight back to school, I didn’t talk about how I felt I just tried to ignore it and those feelings came out as anger. Now I’m not saying I was a violent, aggressive person. I wasn’t, but I was angry. Angry at the world. I was angry and upset that my mum was gone, I didn’t know how to trust people. I didn’t know how to deal with this turmoil of emotions I was experiencing. I was angry at myself for never being honest with my mum about my gender. I hated myself for that.

I was angry because people blamed my gender dysphoria on the fact my mum was dead and I “didn’t want to be myself anymore.” At the time I didn’t understand why they were saying that and I got angry at them for it. It put a strain on my relationships with people, with family.

Looking back at the person I was a few years ago I’m not proud of that person but I understand that going through that period in my life has helped me to grow as a person. It has helped me to become the person I am today.

I’m not saying I’m now a perfect person because I’m not. I still have my issues and I think I will for the rest of my life, I am however learning to deal with these issues.

I was talking to a manager at work the other day and he said something interesting. Something I already knew but hearing it come from someone else made it sound different.

The first step in changing is acceptance

It made me realise I can’t keep running from the person I was. I need to accept it and learn from it and I think I’m finally beginning to do that.

Life isn’t easy, it’s never going to be easy but how you deal with the problems you’re faced with is what is important. In previous years, I haven’t dealt with my problems and I believe that could be what has made my life feel like it’s so difficult. By not dealing with my issues they’ve snowballed, they’ve become even larger and at times it’s felt like I would never be able to get past them. It felt as though I was trapped in a room that was blocked by this snowball. What I didn’t realise is the way to escape this room is by slowly breaking down this barrier. Dealing with my issues slowly, one at a time.

If I keep running away, the snowball is just going to follow me and it’s going to get larger and larger.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with all my issues but I’m going to make a start. I want to get my life back on track and I want to start breaking down this snowball so that it doesn’t chase me until I eventually get so caught up in it that it ruins my life.

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