For the first time in my life, I was alone for the majority of Christmas day. I don’t mean alone in respect of being in my room whilst everyone was downstairs, I mean alone in the house with no one else here. Now I don’t want sympathy because I did get to spend the morning with my family. Which I know some people don’t even get to do, but being alone for the evening was weird. Its something I have never experienced before and its made me think.
I was alone for Christmas Eve afternoon, Christmas day afternoon, boxing day and I’m going to be alone until tomorrow afternoon.
It’s been strange, I’m so used to being surrounded by family all over the Christmas period but now we are all getting older, that’s bound to change and I understand and accept that.
It wasn’t all bad, I got to chill out, watch TV, relax and not have to wear actual clothes, I could wear my PJ’s which was nice.
The part I struggled with was when I wanted to use my presents. I got some board games as my main presents and because I was alone, I couldn’t play them. I tried, but it isn’t possible to play scrabble alone.
It also made me think about my future. I’m not in a relationship, I’m not even friends with anyone where it could potentially lead to a relationship. I’m not on any dating apps or anything of that nature because they’re not my kind of thing.
I kind of realised, if I don’t start looking for a relationship, then I’m going to spend a lot more Christmases on my own and I don’t want that. I also realised that soon, I’m going to finish university and I cant live with my dad for the rest of my life, I’m going to need to look at buying my own house or flat… but I also realised that I don’t really want to live alone, I’d get bored, I’d get lonely, I wouldn’t be happy. I also don’t think I would be able to afford a house on my own, or at least not a nice house where I would be happy.
This Christmas has really made me think about things and I’ve realised I’m surrounded by people, but I’m actually very lonely. I don’t even have any friends that I would feel comfortable spending Christmas with, I don’t have anyone that I can just call for a chat, I thought I had friends, but when I actually think about it, I’m really quite lonely and I don’t like it, but I also don’t know how to change it, I don’t know how to make friends as an adult…