For the past few weeks/months I’ve been okay. To be completely honest I’ve been quite good in terms of my mental health.
I started to accept what was going on at work and the fact every time I went in for a shift something else had changed. I started to come to terms with the fact my dad was seeing someone new. I started to rebuild my relationship with my best friend that had become a little torn because of the distance with university. I also smashed my first u oversight essay of the year and got an A (or as we call it here, a first) I even got to meet up with my old support worker as friends, because I overcame the dependence I had on him and the relationship we had was a strange one anyway as I had known him so long we had become friends as well as having a working relationship. So all in all, things were going pretty well. I hadn’t felt the urge to self harm. I wasn’t dreading getting out of bed, if even go as far as to say I was positive about the future. My finances were on track and things were the best they had been in a while. I had even come off my antidepressant medication!
Then this week came along.
The weekend started off well, I went to my works Christmas party and had an amazing time. I’m not one to usually go out drinking but I pushed myself and I’m glad I did. The evening started off a little tough as I didn’t know how to go about being in a club or ordering a drink from the bar as I’m not great in new places or in social situations, but my friends helped me out and the evening turned out to be incredible!
When I went back to university it all became a bit much for me and I didn’t go in this week, I didn’t even do work from home. I have literally been in bed all week because I couldn’t face being around people. I got up, showered, went back to bed.
Yesterday I went to work and I did struggle. I knew in myself I was struggling but I pushed through and I ended up winning a day off from a little quiz we did which was nice.
It was the evening that got to me.
I came home, I watched tv then I went to see my brother. We spoke about Christmas and I came away from it realising that I’m likely going to be on my own for most of Christmas Day as my dad is going to his girlfriends, my Mum has passed away and my brother and his girlfriend are spending Christmas with her family this year. So that really upset me, Christmas is a time for family and for me, I only have my dad left really because my brother has his own life, he’s about to get married and start his own family and my Mum is up in heaven. So the fact my dad would rather spend Christmas with his girlfriend of a year than spend it with his son hurts. A lot. Especially because i can’t exactly spend it with my mum. I mean, I probably will spend most of the day at the cemetery. I have already thought about trying to find a picnic rug somewhere and take my laptop with me and watch a film sat by her grave with a big coat on to keep me warm.. but it’s not going to be the most enjoyable thing in the world.
I went to sleep last night and I was upset. I had urges to hurt myself. I didn’t want to get up this morning for work. I didn’t want to do anything apart from stay in bed and cry. Eventually I fell asleep.
When I woke up today I was tired. I hadn’t slept very well. I hadn’t had a good night and I knew I was about to face a day in work of being screamed at by customers.
Not what I wanted.
The urges were so bad and I couldn’t see a way to get through today with the urges so I gave in. I self harmed again.
My previous ones had all healed. They were fading but now there’s more.
When I got to work it started snowing and that made me even less excited about work because I just wanted to build a snow man because for me, building a snow man is what I’ve always done and it is what feels normal when it snows. Anyone that follows my blog knows I don’t like change so to change this habit I have of building a snow man is going to be difficult. Even if I am growing up now.
Work was tough. I kept getting this wave of anxiety that I’ve not had for a while. I kept feeling as though I was about to throw up. My chest kept going tight and I couldn’t breathe properly. My head was pounding. The noise was so loud. People talking all the time. No peace.
I asked if I could change my 2×15 minute breaks to 3×10 minute breaks because I knew that I would struggle only have 2 occasions to get outside in the quiet.
I emailed a manager I feel comfortable with and I tried to explain how I was feeling but she didn’t reply. I tried to push that I needed the 3 breaks but my new direct line manager wouldn’t let me.
It was such a crap day. I just felt so crap all day and I struggled so much.
When I got home I slept.
I’m meant to be going out tomorrow to the Christmas markets but I don’t want to. I don’t think I can. Im not mentally strong enough right now to go out and socialise
I’m struggling a lot. I feel as though all the progress I made had just come tumbling back down and it’s so difficult to keep positive and try and begin making progress again.
I just feel so low and so fed up and I don’t know what to do or how to fix it.