This post is likely to be a mess. I just need to type.
For the past 3 and a half years there’s been one person who has been consistent in my life. One person I’ve been able to rely on for absolutely anything. From cheering me up when I’ve been down, calming me during a panic attack, allowing me to be my true self, helping me when I’ve felt like giving up with uni to the simple things like teaching me to tie shoe laces or having banter with me.
About 2 and a half years ago this person left his job in my home town and moved to a job 30 miles away. Only, the job he moved to was still a support worker job and it just so happened, about 6 months later I moved 30 miles away for uni and he was there waiting for me to be my support worker again.
I trust him with my life. I’m not just saying that, I have literally trusted him with my life. I’ve been suicidal and I’ve told him and he’s been the one to help me and get me stable again.
He’s the one person that knows me better than I know myself. I can feel like shit and he will know why, even if I don’t.
I just feel so lost and so scared about what the future holds because although I don’t see him all the time, I know that if I ever need him, he would be there. Kind of like my safety blanket. But now he’s gone and he won’t be there anymore and that’s terrifying.
I felt safe at uni, I felt like I could get my degree if I had him there to support me. I just, I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do anymore…
I’m feeling completely fed up at the minute.
It’s “summer” I should be put enjoying it, spending time with my friends and enjoying the next 3 months off but instead I’m working full time. Which is fine by me, I actually enjoy working… but my job only requires me to work 5 days a week. The 2 days off I get I should be using wisely and doing things, hanging out with friends, making memories. After all, I’m 20 now.. I turn 21 this year and then life really starts and I have to find my career and my own house and sort my life out.
At 20 I should be having fun but instead I find myself sat in my room watching tv and scrolling social media to pass the time. I clock watch for bed time, I can’t wait for the weekend to be over so I can go back to work.
I like working because it gives me something to do, something to focus on. It surrounds me with the people I work with. There’s always someone to talk to or something that needs doing. Even if it’s just talking to a customer on the phone about where their delivery is!
The weekends just feel so dull, so empty, so meaningless. At weekends I realise how lonely I am. My colleagues go home to their families, their partners, their children. The younger colleagues go home at a weekend and go out and see their friends. I don’t. I go home to sit alone.
I have friends at work but they’re just that. Friends at work. They aren’t interested in socialising outside of work, they have their own lives, they don’t want to mix their social lives and work lives and I understand that.
All my uni friends are in a different city, all my school friends are busy with their new friends. All my other friends are busy with their lives and their families and their jobs.
It’s times like these my anxiety and depression start to play up because I have nothing to focus on. I have nothing to do and I’m just left with my own thoughts and feelings and that’s when everything just seems so dark. It’s times like these I feel so fed up and down that I don’t want to go out and socialise because it seems so pointless but the reason I’m so fed up and down is because I’m not socialising. It’s just a vicious cycle.
I guess growing up I never thought I’d end up landing myself working in a call centre. It wasn’t on my “life plan” so to say.
Retail, yes. Pointless part time jobs, yes. Working full time in a call centre over summer… not really my life ambitions.
That said. I’ve been there for just over 2 weeks now and I don’t really have a bad thing to say about it. Everyone that works there is like a big family. You can’t go anywhere without someone saying hello or asking if you’re okay.
My manager is amazing, to be honest, all the managers seem amazing. It’s also lovely working with such a diverse group of people! There appears to be no discrimination at work. We have people who are old, young, black, white, Asian, gay, straight. Literally all kinds of people and it’s amazing to see everyone getting along and working as a team.
Yes, we do occasionally get customers who make us want to do this
But I guess you get that at every job.
For me it’s amazing to be 2 weeks into a job and not have a bad thing to say about the place or the people. I’m happy there and I enjoy going to work. I look forward to work the minute I finish a shift. It’s such a bizzare feeling for me but at the minute I am happy and I am enjoying it.