Uni grades

So last week I received an assignment back and I got 48/100. I was so upset. 

You need 40 to pass. I was 8 marks away from failing. 

I gave up. I didn’t see the point in uni. I didn’t see the point in trying. I didn’t want to carry on with my degree. I gave up all hope. 

My heart dropped to the floor, how could I get such a low grade? How did I not realise how poor it was? 

Depression. Anxiety. 

That’s how. My mental health took over my whole existence. I had no energy, no motivation, no reason to try hard. I couldn’t concentrate. I wrote anything just to get it finished as quickly as possible. I didn’t think about it. I didn’t try as hard as I could have done. 

In that moment, when I received my grade I just wanted to cry. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. It just felt like everything was going badly. 

It was one grade, I still passed. I didn’t fail it but in my head I was a failure. I hadn’t succeeded and I hadn’t achieved anything. 

I blamed myself for it all and I made it seem like it was the end of the world. 

Until today. 

Today I got another assignment back. Two marks off a first. I was 2 marks away from getting into the highest grade bracket. 

I’d done it. I had succeeded. I can do this. In the feedback he left this. It felt so good to read it. 


For people like me, people who struggle with their mental health, sometimes it’s difficult to not see the worst in every situation. When one thing goes wrong it feels like everything has gone wrong. You loose all belief in yourself. 

Today I proved to myself I’m not a failure and I can do it. 

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Work update

Last night I emailed my general manager pointing out some facts about the meeting yesterday. 

Things like 

The lack of notes taken

The fact I do not have a sick note 

The fact I didn’t have a whiteness 

The fact my doctor would have signed me off is he didn’t see me as medically fit to work. 
Basically I pointed out that the way the meeting was conducted was incorrect
Long story cut short. I’m in work today!!!!

So so happy to be allowed back! 

Work

So today I drove from university to work for my shift. I had to talk to my manager regarding my anxiety which I was fine about. 

However, in this meeting I was told I’m unfit to work and that they are forcing an absence on me and in order to return to work, I must have a “fit to work” note from my doctor. 

So basically, I’m having 3 days pay, which accounts to £120 taken from me which as you can imagine isn’t what I need. Not only this, I feel fine. I feel better than I’ve felt in a long time. 

I want to work. I need to work

Logically thinking, if I take 3 days off I’ll sit in my room, on my own, thinking and overthinking. How is that going to help me? How is knowing that my colleagues are now short staffed going to help me? It isn’t. 

I’ve emailed my manager because I just want to work but I doubt she is going to allow it but I shall be awake in time for my shift in the morning and I’ll be outside waiting for management to arrive like I do every Sunday because I always arrive at work an hour early because I’m that keen! 

I just wish with all my heart she could see that I’m fine. That I’m good at my job and that I should be in work! 😩

Ramblings and confusion

So this blog post probably won’t make a lot of sense. I’ll admit that now. However, I really wanted to post to just get some things off my chest.

I’ve had such a bizarre few months, it started with the breakdown of my relationship. I was in a happy, loving relationship. Everything seemed to be going perfectly, we were 17 months in but it felt like we had been together forever. We went on holiday together, we did everything together. We couldn’t go a few hours without speaking because she was my best friend. My rock, my world.

It ended because she found someone else. For me, this was the hardest thing to deal with. For our whole relationship, she would talk about our future, our wedding, our family, our house, our lives. Then in the blink of an eye, it was all gone.

For me, this was the start of the snowball effect. Everything just went downhill from here. I tried to get on with my life and move on, but I love her. Still, to this day, 7 months on I still love her and knowing that she is no longer with me breaks my heart. She was my support, through all my mental health she was the one that helped. She was the one who got me up and kept me going. She would take me shopping, she would shower me on bad days, she would hold me when I was too upset to speak. When we broke up, all

She was my support, through all my mental health she was the one that helped. She was the one who got me up and kept me going. She would take me shopping, she would shower me on bad days, she would hold me when I was too upset to speak. When we broke up, all I wanted was her to help and support me but she was gone.

I thought I was doing quite well with it all, I continued to function and live my life, but in reality, looking back, I did what I always do and I didn’t deal with my emotions, I just buried my head in the sand and hoped for the best but as usual, that didn’t work.

So that brings us to now. My body is reacting to what happened. It’s gone into shut down mode. I can’t function, the smallest of thing makes me anxious. If a friend is too busy to meet up, my mind processes that as they don’t want to be around me because my ex didn’t.

It affecting me in all aspects of my life, I’m in shit at work, I’m failing uni, I’m not being social, I’m not eating properly, I’m not sleeping. I’m falling apart. 

This post isn’t for any other reason than for myself. I’ve made this post because I just needed to type what was going on in my head, in hope that I could begin to process it all and work to becoming a better me.

Anxiety thoughts and feelings.

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Hello lovely people,

I’ve decided to write this post as recently my anxiety has been causing me a lot of issues again.
Anxiety is a condition which affects a lot of people, probably more than you actually realise. I think everyone has experienced some form of anxiety in their life, be that just before a test or before a job interview. This is completely “normal.
Some of us experience anxiety at a whole new level. Anxiety that affects our day to day lives. That makes the simplest of tasks seem like an impossibility.

I got my diagnoses of an “anxiety disorder” when I was 17. I’m now 20, so for 3 years, I have had a label to describe the issues I face on a day to day basis. That said, I have experienced these feelings for as long as I can actually remember.

For me, what triggers my anxiety can be a number of things; large groups of people, social interactions, new people that I have never met before, lots of noise and occasionally, I just get anxious for no apparent reason! This makes it incredibly difficult when I get asked the question, “What has triggered it?”

It’s taken me a number of years to figure out ways to help myself, truth be told, I’m still not 100% there, but I thought it may be useful to talk you guys through what I do to help.

1. On a good day, I sat down and made a list of situations when I begin to feel anxious, I tried to pinpoint what causes the majority of my anxiety. This was useful because it gave me a better insight into the feelings I felt. 

2. Breathing. This is something which is so so important when you find yourself feeling anxious. I find breathing in for 5 seconds, then out for 5 seconds helps. 

3. Going outside. Personally, when my anxiety hits me I get a hot flush, I become warm, uncomfortable and I feel trapped, sort of like a claustrophobic type feeling, so getting myself outside where I am able to breathe clean fresh air helps. 

4. Getting out of the situation. This is something some may disagree with me on, I know any CBT therapist would, but I find getting out of the situation helps to relieve the feelings of anxiety. 

5. This is something which I find helps me, but it means you have to make the people you’re with aware of your anxiety. 
If I get anxious, I get the person I am with to place their hand on my shoulder/the top of my back. For me, this helps to “ground” me. To bring me back to reality and to focus my attention on the fact I am in a safe place and nothing can hurt me. 

These things may not actually help at all, but for me personally I found them useful. Everyone is different, everyone experiences different levels and different forms of anxiety and not everyone works in the same way. What works for one person may not work for another but the most important thing to remember is these feelings won’t last forever.