What do I do now…

This post is likely to be a mess. I just need to type. 

For the past 3 and a half years there’s been one person who has been consistent in my life. One person I’ve been able to rely on for absolutely anything. From cheering me up when I’ve been down, calming me during a panic attack, allowing me to be my true self, helping me when I’ve felt like giving up with uni to the simple things like teaching me to tie shoe laces or having banter with me. 

About 2 and a half years ago this person left his job in my home town and moved to a job 30 miles away. Only, the job he moved to was still a support worker job and it just so happened, about 6 months later I moved 30 miles away for uni and he was there waiting for me to be my support worker again. 

I trust him with my life. I’m not just saying that, I have literally trusted him with my life. I’ve been suicidal and I’ve told him and he’s been the one to help me and get me stable again. 

He’s the one person that knows me better than I know myself. I can feel like shit and he will know why, even if I don’t. 
I just feel so lost and so scared about what the future holds because although I don’t see him all the time, I know that if I ever need him, he would be there. Kind of like my safety blanket. But now he’s gone and he won’t be there anymore and that’s terrifying. 

I felt safe at uni, I felt like I could get my degree if I had him there to support me. I just, I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do anymore… 

Fed up 

I’m feeling completely fed up at the minute. 

It’s “summer” I should be put enjoying it, spending time with my friends and enjoying the next 3 months off but instead I’m working full time. Which is fine by me, I actually enjoy working… but my job only requires me to work 5 days a week. The 2 days off I get I should be using wisely and doing things, hanging out with friends, making memories. After all, I’m 20 now.. I turn 21 this year and then life really starts and I have to find my career and my own house and sort my life out. 

At 20 I should be having fun but instead I find myself sat in my room watching tv and scrolling social media to pass the time. I clock watch for bed time, I can’t wait for the weekend to be over so I can go back to work. 

I like working because it gives me something to do, something to focus on. It surrounds me with the people I work with. There’s always someone to talk to or something that needs doing. Even if it’s just talking to a customer on the phone about where their delivery is! 

The weekends just feel so dull, so empty, so meaningless. At weekends I realise how lonely I am. My colleagues go home to their families, their partners, their children. The younger colleagues go home at a weekend and go out and see their friends. I don’t. I go home to sit alone. 

I have friends at work but they’re just that. Friends at work. They aren’t interested in socialising outside of work, they have their own lives, they don’t want to mix their social lives and work lives and I understand that. 

All my uni friends are in a different city, all my school friends are busy with their new friends. All my other friends are busy with their lives and their families and their jobs. 
It’s times like these my anxiety and depression start to play up because I have nothing to focus on. I have nothing to do and I’m just left with my own thoughts and feelings and that’s when everything just seems so dark. It’s times like these I feel so fed up and down that I don’t want to go out and socialise because it seems so pointless but the reason I’m so fed up and down is because I’m not socialising.  It’s just a vicious cycle. 

Call centre customer service job 

I guess growing up I never thought I’d end up landing myself working in a call centre. It wasn’t on my “life plan” so to say. 

Retail, yes. Pointless part time jobs, yes. Working full time in a call centre over summer… not really my life ambitions. 

That said. I’ve been there for just over 2 weeks now and I don’t really have a bad thing to say about it. Everyone that works there is like a big family. You can’t go anywhere without someone saying hello or asking if you’re okay. 

My manager is amazing, to be honest, all the managers seem amazing. It’s also lovely working with such a diverse group of people! There appears to be no discrimination at work. We have people who are old, young, black, white, Asian, gay, straight. Literally all kinds of people and it’s amazing to see everyone getting along and working as a team. 

Yes, we do occasionally get customers who make us want to do this 

But I guess you get that at every job. 

For me it’s amazing to be 2 weeks into a job and not have a bad thing to say about the place or the people. I’m happy there and I enjoy going to work. I look forward to work the minute I finish a shift. It’s such a bizzare feeling for me but at the minute I am happy and I am enjoying it. 

Manchester attack. 

Manchester attack. 

It’s been 27 hours since a nail bomb went off in the foyer of the Manchester arena at the end of a pop concert with around 21,000 people inside. 

27 hours later and I’m still trying to process the events of the 22nd May. 

Manchester is my hometown. It’s where I’ve lived for my whole life. Even now whilst I’m at university I consider manchester my home. It’s a place I’ve always felt safe, I’ve always felt accepted and I’ve always felt part of a community. 

To even begin to process the fact that someone walked into the Manchester arena knowing they would be putting lives of thousands of young, innocent children in danger is an impossibility. 

I’m sure by now you will all have read the news, seen on social media or heard friends talking about the attack and something that has become abundantly clear is the fact that Manchester will forever stand united. It’s in our blood, when something so tragic happens we stand together and work as a community to rebuild our city and rebuild the safe community atmosphere we all know and love. 

Greater Manchester police have released the name of the attacker, something I’m not going to mention because I don’t believe he deserves to be recognised. He was a sick human being to do what he did. No religion advocates the killing of inncoent children and people who were out enjoying a pop concert. I don’t care what anyone says, no “God” would wish for His followers to do such a thing. 

We don’t yet know if he was working alone or as part of a group but I hope for the sake of my community he was alone. Enough innocent people have lost their lives or been injured. Enough is enough. This needs to end. I will never understand why people can’t just allow others to live their lives. Why do people feel the need to hate on others or cause pain to others? 

As I mentioned earlier, I’m still struggling to process what happened 27 hours ago. I had friends at that concert, Ronny knowledge they all got out safely and unharmed. That said, I live just outside the city centre in a smaller town and one of those who has died in the explosion came from my town. He was a dance teacher, I’ve seen him doing his weekly shop on numerous occasions. I’ve even been on a bus with him. I think this is when it hit me house close to home this attack was. 

I’m only 20, so for me, this is the first thing like this I can remember and it’s something I’m never going to forget. 

One thing I want to talk about is how well my city has dealt with this incident. 

Minutes after the attack hundreds of emergency services were onsite helping with casualties. Police officers were stood cordening off areas all night incase another explosion went off in the arena and working towards finding out who did this, some of these officers worked 20 hour shifts to help protect their community.  

Not only this, we had members of the public offering free taxi rides for those who couldn’t get home, people driving into town towards the explosion to help get people away and to safety. We had people looking after children who had been separated from their parents and keeping them safe, we had people opening their doors to complete strangers that needed somewhere to sleep for the night. Within half an hour of the explosion so many people from manchester came out to help and support their community and that just shows how amazing Manchester is as a city. It makes me so proud to say I’m from Manchester. To be a part of a community that sticks together when times get tough makes my heart warm. 

A terrorist attack may have happened in Manchester on the evening of May 22nd but one things for sure. The people from Manchester will always stand together and we will not be terrified. 

Ian Brady dies ages 79. 

I feel mixed feelings regarding this news. 

I’m glad he is dead don’t get me wrong. I hope he rots in hell for what he did. 

That said, I’m upset he has died because that means he now no longer has to suffer the consequences of what he did. For people like him, death is an escape. It’s a way out. I would have loved to see him live to be 100 just so he had to suffer for longer. 

I’m also upset for Keith Bennett’s family. Now Brady is dead, they will never know where Keith’s body is. I had hoped that in his dying days Brady would have shared this information to try and ease the pain of the family just a little. The fact he has taken it to the grave with him angers me so much. He knew he was going to die. He was imprisoned for life without the chance of being released. Sharing the information of where Keith’s body was wouldn’t have negatively affected him in the slightest. 

I understand he was a sick and twisted being. I just feel that he should have given that information to Keith’s family. 
I’m not sure. Like I said, I’m glad he is dead. I’m glad tax payers money is no longer being spent on him and that the doctors and nurses can put their efforts into more deserving people. I just wish he hadn’t died and eventually found it within himself to tell the whereabouts of Keith Bennetts body. 


Today I heard back from a part time job I really wanted. 

I didn’t get the job. 

I’m so dissapointed in myself. The job was for Apple. The company I invest 90% of my time into despite not even working there yet. 

I own an iPhone 6s (I’ve had them all since the 3GS) an ipad, MacBook Pro, iMac, Apple Watch, I convinced my entire family to go to iPhones, not including mine we have an extra 2 iPads, 2 MacBook pros, another iMac and another Apple Watch in the family. I’m a beta software tester for Apple (which basically means I get all the updates first and report back any bugs with the software so it can be improved for the main release. As a result of this I’ve lost all the data on my phone more times than I wish to recall!) 

I went to the first interview and felt like I smashed it. Turns out I did. Second interview came along and again, I felt like I’d done so well. I was wrong. 

I don’t know what went wrong, I don’t know what happened. I answered all the questions fully and what I believed to be perfectly. However, the interviewers clearly didn’t feel the same way. 

I guess I’m used to being rejected from jobs, it’s hard to get a job these days. I mean it was only last week I got turned down from a job because I “wasn’t flexible enough with my hours” it’s just so dissapointing to get turned down from a job that I have dreamed of having for so long. 

Apple is my life, for me, Apple is the way of life. It’s the only company to buy phones and computers from in my opinion. I love everything about the company. I even made my family take half a day out of our trip to NYC just so I could go and visit the Apple Store there. 

I’m so upset and dissapointed in myself and I know I have to pick myself up and just keep applying for jobs but I don’t want to anymore. If Apple don’t want me when my life revolves around Apple, how can I expect any other company to hire me? 

Things University has Taught Me

I wish this post could be a serious one. It won’t be. 

1. You will literally have no idea what is going on the majority of the time. 

Strange, I know. However, I am being serious. I am nearing the end of second year and I honestly do not have any idea what has happened over the past 2 years. You would think by now I would have some sort of understanding about my degree, where I am going in life. The purpose of spending all this money and getting into all this debt but the reality is, I have less of an idea of what I want to do with my life than I did when I was back in college.
I go to lectures to be told that 1 in 10 psychology graduates get a job in the field. The rest work in bars after graduation. BARS. I am being deadly serious, this was an actual lecture I had to attend.

50d02ff2a1e2dcb9c40f735531e07008_projectile-blog-vomiting-all-memes-uni_706-470.jpeg2. Your assignments will make no sense.

Again, sounds odd but something I have learnt is, no matter how many lectures you go to, When you get given an assignment title, it will make no sense. You will spend the first 2 weeks after being given it trying to work out what you’re meant to be writing about. When it clicks, you will begin writing, get a few hundred words in and realise you still don’t know what the question is asking you but in true student style, you continue to bullshit until you hit the word count.
No one knows how to reference.

This is particularly important in first year. My university spent a solid 2/3 months explaining how to reference correctly. This is the most important thing you will learn, they said. BULLSHIT. Refme.com will be your lifeline. It will be everybody’s lifeline. I don’t actually know of a single student who creates a reference list without the help of the internet. It’s just not the done thing. Honestly, If you can’t get your head around it, do not panic. It isn’t important. There is a reason the internet was created.


3. “The lecture slides will be uploaded online” Is the worst thing a lecturer can ever say.

Sounds useful, doesn’t it?
“Amazing, If I’m sick one day I won’t fall behind!”
What they don’t tell you is, the lecture slides often contain nothing more than a picture, or a cartoon. WHAT USE IS THAT TO ANYONE??? I once had a lecture slide that just said “The inbetweeners”

Not only that, though, it’s also a slippery slope. Hungover? Oh, it’s fine the lecture will be online! Tired? Don’t worry, you can catch up online. Do not fall into the trap. You cannot catch up using the lecture slides online. 

4. College students do not understand the term binge watching a show. 

Something I learnt at university is, the term binge watching a tv show has a whole new meaning at university. I mean right now, it’s 03:30 and I’ve just switched my TV off after a night of watching The Big Bang theory.

Honestly, I think my biggest achievement of university so far is watching every single episode of all series of Fresh Meat, Brooklyn Nine-nine, The OA, The Big Bang theory.. the list goes on…

5.When in a lecture. Do not steal someone else’s seat. 

I mean this is basically the unwritten rule of university. Everyone finds their own seat. I mean obviously, lecture halls are fairly large, there’s a lot of seats but no matter how many empty seats there are, it is never okay for you to sit in another person’s seat. Just don’t do it okay? It ruins the whole thing. If you sit in someone’s seat, they’re forced to sit in someone else’s seat and this just continues. Everyone is sat in the wrong seats and it just destroys everything. Don’t be that idiot that steals a seat.

6. This image or an image of the same kind isn’t what university is. 

You have more chance of turning up to every single class for the whole degree than you do of sitting outside with your multicultural group of friends. It just does not happen.
I mean sure, you are likely to make friends with people from different faiths and different backgrounds, but you are very unlikely to actually sit outside on some grass and study with them. It just isn’t something that happens.

7. Having to attend a 9 AM lecture hungover is one of the worst things ever. 

You’ll do it once and swear you will never do it again… until the next day….

8. The fire alarm in halls is basically satan. 

You’ll crawl into bed at 5 AM, check the clock and realise you have 3 hours to sleep before your lecture.. Then boom, an ear piercing screech will ruin your whole plan. It is the most inconsiderate thing ever.

9. Being a serial outfit repeater is acceptable when you reach university. 


Honestly, don’t sweat it. You will turn up on the first day in halls with every item of clothing you own, you will start with the intention of wearing a new outfit every day. Then one day you’ll realise you need to do that washing. You’ll grab all your clothes off the floor and walk to the laundry room to find the only way you’re going to be able to afford to wash all this is if you remortgage your parent’s house.
Deodorant the armpits and you’re ready to go.

10. On at least one occasion, usually more, you will regret every single life decision you made and question why you didn’t just get a job.

Assignments, no money, hungry. What made this seem like a good idea?